the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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