Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
