Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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