just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
