At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
