...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
