no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
