Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
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