at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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