Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
