This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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