see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
