I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
