I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
