he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
