just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
