I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
