Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
