Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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