I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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