I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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