But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
