Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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