My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Sober January is a disaster.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
