It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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