Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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