Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
