youre lurking in front of me
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
if only i could text you this smell
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
