we have officially lost it.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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