I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
