Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
