I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
