Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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