All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
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I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
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I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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