Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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