Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I wish there were birth control emojis
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
