Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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