Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
