Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
The air taste purple.
Randomize