I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
