there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
