he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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