I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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