I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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