Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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