I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
