when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
