he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
