We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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