also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
