Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
it's like iHOP with fire
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
