Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
