Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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