Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
